You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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