In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
