Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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