Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
