i think i have herpe
just one?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
