I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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