Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
