Whod you bang
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
