No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
