sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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