just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize