You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Randomize
