I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
