I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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