i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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