I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
