Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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