Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
