Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
