we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
