I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
