and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize