is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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