I want to stick my p in your. b.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
