So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The Olympian is in my bed
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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