i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
