Me too!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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