i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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