No stitches, just platelets and will power
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
