I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
