I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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