apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Four minutes until I can fart!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
