theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Are we still banned from the library?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
