Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
