dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
