I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
