The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
did i walk over a car last night?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
