there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
