Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
there is glitter all over my balls
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
