think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
