remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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