Got a toothbrush?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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