Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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