if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
