If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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