just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
