Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I am available for nakedness
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
