He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
