My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
