This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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