I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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