Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
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