i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
