I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
