I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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