everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
