I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize