Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
