Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
