Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
