he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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