so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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