Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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