Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
