we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
