You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
